I have been married for 4 years and I have never been pregnant. To say that I went through frustration, depression and sadness… Well, that is an understatement.
I have endured many comments, tips and advices from many people from all walks of lives. Sometimes I can even recite what they are saying as they are saying it. It is not that I never been through check-ups, traditional and non-traditional. I have consumed all kinds of supplements and herbal medicines. Whatever tips and advices that have been thrown my way, believe me I tried. In fact, I actually reached a point in my life, where I feel I have to have a child to feel completeness as a family, as a wife and as a person. Because that is what family is all about. That is what makes a marriage. Children.
Answer me this…
Which woman when she enters a marriage does not want a child?
Should she be made to feel guilty when she is not bearing even one?
I spiralled into a depression for awhile. I couldn’t hear news of my friends being pregnant or giving birth without silently crying and wondering when is my turn. I just couldn’t. It is like a bitter pill I had to swallow and it is not making me feel any better.
And during all these times, I forgot about one other person in my life, who watches over me as I self-destruct. The one person who is feeling just as sad that he is not holding his own offspring in his arms. The one person who knows all too well how I truly feel. My husband.
Every time I had an emotional outburst about us not having a child, he will always reassure me that it will happen, only time will tell. He will hug me and tell me what we had was enough. It was not easy for him to see me in this state of helplessness when he, too, feels the same way.
Eventually, there was one particular outburst of mine that changed everything. I was accusing him of feeling heartless. Telling him that he doesn’t understand how I feel and that he was not doing enough. As I was berating him, I saw a look of sadness in his eyes. And written on his face a million words he never spoke. It caught me off-guard. My unhappiness was starting to take its toil on him. It was at this point, I realised that I was just being selfish and I am making my life and the people I love miserable with something that I don’t even have.
What do I based my happiness on?
Was what I had not enough to keep me contented?
I looked around me…
I have a beautiful home, loving families (both mine and his), wonderful friends and an incredible husband. Financially, we are managing as well as we can. Also, I have a career that is built on passion and nothing beats that. I am definitely not lacking in anything. Allah swt has made sure that I have what I need and never fails to provide me with the best. My happiness is right in front of me. Yet, I was depressed over something that is not in my hands. How weird is that? That has to changed and slowly, I picked up the pieces of my life back.
Yes, I am much happier and stronger now. Yes, my husband and I will never stop trying and praying for a child. We constantly remind each other to be grateful with what we have. That is the most important. We also tell ourselves that our friends’ children are just like our own and we treat all of them with as much love as we would give to our kids. We make sure our happiness is not based on whether we have children, but on what we have around us. As and when we are blessed with one, it is an addition to our current happiness. So now when people ask me when will I have kids or how come I still have none, I just smiled and ask them to make a prayer for us.
Please do make a prayer for us and the couples that you may know who are trying so hard to conceive. May Allah bless us all with abundance and happiness.